To Have and to Hold
by NewBornBaby
Summary: A dark, short one-shot feat. Matthew Bellamy and written through his POV. The lyrics of 'To Have and to Hold' by Depeche Mode are mixed with the story and I guess this is a song-fic. It's more like a poem in fact. Won't be to everyone's taste.


**Hi there!**

**I don't want to overburden the top A.N. so I'll explain how I came up with this story in the bottom A.N.**

**The only thing you need to know right now is the song 'To Have and to Hold' by Depeche Mode.**

**http:/www.[DELETE THE BRACKETS]youtube[DELETE THE BRACKETS].com/watch?v=4CEQOjCl-AA**

**This is Deftones' version, a more 'metalish' version but which comes with the lyrics.**

**http:/www.**[DELETE THE BRACKETS]**youtube**[DELETE THE BRACKETS]**.com/watch?v=51xD56KMzm4**

**Now, I reiterate my warning: this is a dark and blurry one-shot. Not for everyone. This is totally different from the stories I've posted so far.  
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><p><em>I need to be cleansed.<em>  
><em>It's time to make amends,<em>

As I look at the girl's face I know that the haze she's in is too thick to be pierced now.  
>Her eyes have glazed over and the alcohol in her blood makes her babble incoherently, stumble and chortle.<p>

_For all of the fun,_  
><em>The damage is done.<em>

She calls out to me from the bed where she's lying, demanding my attention since I've turned my back on her.  
>I quaff my drink down and close my eyes as I savor the burning sensation on my tongue, spreading deep into my stomach.<br>I bask in the sensation.

_And I feel diseased,_  
><em>I'm down on my knees,<em>

When she moans my name for the second time I twist around, lean against the bar behind me and watch her.  
>She's taken off her bra and she flings it in my direction.<br>I glance down at it when it lands just a few inches from my feet.

_And I need forgiveness,_  
><em>Someone to bear witness,<em>

She bursts out giggling, making me look up again, just to see her rolling around on the bed a few times, ruffling the sheets.  
>As I study her and took in her stoned features I'm not sure I find it attractive or rather pathetic.<p>

_To the goodness within,_  
><em>Beneath the sin,<em>

But soon enough she's lying naked in front of me.  
>She's beautiful, offering, and I'm a man.<br>I can't help but follow the sharp impulse of desire that tore through me and crawl on the bed beside her.

_Although I may flirt,_  
><em>With all kinds of dirt.<em>

In our tangle of sweaty, pulsing limbs, I feel incredibly sensitive everywhere, everything feels hot.  
>The tension builds, and pleasure builds with it, until the arching thrill peaks and my body is being flooded with radiating waves of ecstasy.<p>

_To the point of disease,_  
><em>Now I want release,<em>

The lustiness slowly leaves me and a dry numbness takes over my body.  
>But that's only until the bitter bites of shame and guilt cut in my heart.<br>I turn on my side, facing the wall, waiting for her to fall asleep.

_From all this decay,_  
><em>Take it away.<em>

Once her breathing has grown steady and deep, I roll out of the bed and take refuge in the bathroom.  
>I dampen my face and suddenly find myself fascinated by the water spiraling down the sink and escaping by the plug hole.<br>I sigh and stare at myself in the mirror, my eyes burning into my reflection's, wondering what's wrong with me.

_And somewhere,_  
><em>There's someone who cares,<em>

But I already know what's wrong deep down.  
>It's been too long.<br>Too long since I've loved someone.  
>And I feel like a tainted virgin, with a lonely heart and a soiled body.<p>

I need someone...

_With a heart of gold,_  
><em>To have and to hold.<em>

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><p><strong>How did I end up writing something like that?<strong>

**Several reasons. First, I've been listening to this song over and over again during this last few days and the lyrics have been stuck in my mind since I woke up this morning. Second, I've watched the hullabaloo DVD a few days ago and when I got to the 'extras' it struck me again how libertine (to be polite lol) our guys were when they were in their twenties.**

**Also the song reminds me of the Matt in my story 'This Feeling Of Pure Freedom' and I wondered how he would feel after having slept with one of his girls. **

**And well, who knows, sometimes I think that the real Matthew Bellamy has a very contorted and introspective mind. So maybe he did felt like that one day... After all, 'cleansed' and 'sin' are two words which he used in several Muse songs.  
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**Anyway, I hope that you like it or, at least, that you don't hate it. But feel free to tell me anything! :)**


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